Trilobite Pachinko

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12/24/14 02:03 pm - noooooo

Doctor's office called. My isurance is being a pain about covering the hysterectomy part of the surgery and wants me to try progesterone for two months first. OMGWTF INSURANCE.

Hard to convey how freaked out and unhappy I am right now. Have literally gone to Youtube to play myself some Enya.

This entry was originally posted at http://jinian.dreamwidth.org/644120.html. Respond wherever you like.

12/17/14 11:51 pm - i was brave

Sent mail to my mom today telling her all about my current health state (poor) and my surgery plans. I allowed as how she might have feelings about my fertility and requested that she process those with someone else, because otherwise I'll feel like she's saying I should continue to hurt all the time. I think it was a pretty good letter. Brave person is me.

Had pain bad enough tonight that I busted out an oxycodone from the first time I went to the ER. They still work! I became very silly on my chat with J and also I hurt a lot less. It made me consider, too, that I will be in WA and can use legal marijuana while there. Medication can help with pain! How revolutionary! Gets me that much closer to helpful surgery. And my old boss really liked the manuscript edits I made while on opiates that one time, so at least some forms of productivity may be open to me.

(You know, apart from crafting complex monster traps and catching a whole lot of familiars for my dragons.)

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12/11/14 05:36 pm - upset

So I was a bonehead yesterday and thought I was doing something on a day that wasn't when I was doing it. Partly this is natural, since the day of it was changed fairly recently and then became a different routine, which I haven't had time to settle into yet, so it's not remarkable any more but also not a habit. Mostly I am headachey and in pain and haven't been able to sleep properly for a week or so.

I am pretty sure no one likes being a bonehead, though there may be some evolved souls who do not mind it so much, but it actually scares me. Braining is what I do. So that let me into a wonderful world of being terrified this afternoon -- not about danger from the surgery, but about what if it doesn't fix anything.

I mean, it will fix my menstrual cramps. That is a thing it will definitely do. But what if I can't eat still? What if I can't sleep right? What if I still have pain all the time? (I will have to get a nutritionist, yes, practical brain is still online, but also I will be miserable.) I can't do a good job on the work I want to do when my body is like this.

Hoping for a resolution makes that part WAY MORE SCARY. I mean, caring and hoping have generally been harder than enduring in my life. (Symptom of privilege, maybe.) It feels terrible, and I have to wait another three weeks before I can even get operated on, and there's a whole gauntlet of talking to family about it that I have to run before then. It sucks. But at least there's a chance of resolution this way, and if I'm thinking properly I know it's a good chance. Even if it doesn't work, I'll know more than I do now.

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12/3/14 10:51 pm - it's beginning to look a lot like endo

So my doctor and the reproductive radiologist (what a great specialty) are pretty sure that the masses the ultrasound shows on both ovaries are endometriomas. The bigger one is making my ovary 7cm long, which is much bigger than an ovary should be. And it's on the more painful side. Finally a mild observable correlation with my actual problems!

I also have one small and two minuscule fibroids in the uterine wall; these I think are probably not contributing much to my pain as they were not there five years ago and my periods are actually better managed now than they were then. They will probably get worse with time until menopause, though, and could be problematic in future. Mom had a giant one removed at about my age.

So basically, laparoscopic surgery to solidly diagnose the endo is definitely recommended, and they would remove any badness they see while they're in there. The doctor confirmed that there is no way to see bits of rogue endometrium that might be causing adhesions using imaging techniques, and you just have to go look around in there. I was about ready to do that for just the amount of pain I've been having, so I am totally on board with that.

Since I have never wanted to be pregnant, I am pretty much decided on having my uterus out at the same time. The doc is good with this. It is a faulty uterus that makes me very miserable, it's likely to get even worse with time, and I'm not using it. Sliiiightly on the fence about taking out an entire organ, but it's an organ that's been misbehaving for 25 years, and if this really is endometriosis then removing a possible source of MORE jerkass wandering cells is a really good idea. Also pretty sure that the period I am about to start will remind me of why I do not want it!

Somehow I have chosen to draw the TMI veil over only this part.Collapse )

I asked about sexual function and her response was pretty much, "most people find that not being in pain makes them better able to enjoy sex." WHICH SEEMS LEGIT. And having a built-in vagina means I wouldn't need to use dilators or anything the way people with constructed vaginas do, it's all good even if the uterus isn't in there to anchor the other end. She and I are totally agreed on keeping as much of my ovaries as they can rescue from the masses on them, as bones are important and I like my sex hormones generally.

This is actually pretty much the optimal outcome considering my pain situation, which is quite bad! And it was nice to surprise the doc by being happy and excited that she found something, which is not the usual reaction. So I'll talk about it with my boss tomorrow -- the recommended recovery period for surgery is two weeks and I want to keep him up to date since we talked recently about how things were pretty bad and affecting my performance. Within a few days the surgery scheduler should call me to set up various pre-, operative, and post- appointments.

I am still pretty darn happy with this whole development. Little scary, still the tiny possibility that it's something more serious, but overall? Fucking YAY they found THINGS they can DO something about.

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12/3/14 09:17 am - yay things!

The doctor says there are a couple of things on my ultrasound! I told her honestly I am VERY HAPPY THAT THERE ARE THINGS, all the other scans have said that everything was fine and I have been like... everything is not fine. So I get to go there this afternoon at 4:30 to discuss the things.

If I can have a hysterectomy I am actually going to be super happy, I have wanted this rotten fuckin' uterus out of my body ever since I was twelve and it started trying to kill me every month.

I will keep you all posted!

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12/2/14 12:06 pm - noticing something new

Major spoiler for Hambly's Stranger at the WeddingCollapse )

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12/1/14 03:27 pm - the peculiar sensuality of Here Be Monsters

I'm playing two browser-based games pretty intensively right now. They've thoroughly distracted me from a replay of Dragon Age and even from Super Mario 2, proving once again that "casual gaming" can be anything but casual. The first is Flight Rising, which has elements of JRPG battling (but could we have quests or someing though please), breeding simulator, and actually casual gaming (the Fairgrounds includes a match-3 switcher, bubble puzzles, memory game, etc.). You've probably heard about it already. FR's dragons are incredibly cute, and it does the breeding sim thing very well, though I've got to say that when your genetics are explicitly non-Mendelian restricting your inbreeding to five generations makes less than no sense; I assume that bit is attempted social engineering.

The game that I'm spending more time with, because unlike Flight Rising it is really good at getting your sustained attention and real-world money, is Here Be Monsters. I never played Glitch, but I first heard about HBM as a substitute for it: crafting, farming, making your own little settlement. There's fishing, gathering of herbs and trees, and trapping of magical creatures -- you're some kind of humanoid magical creature yourself, a "Folk", but the story is that corrupting meteorites are hitting the world and you have to trap your sentient magical buddies, who get demented enough to be trapped when they're corrupted, so you can cure them. They give you magical items and gold as thanks for being healed.

The startling thing about HBM to me is how sensually appealing it is. I mean, I'm amused by the almanac entries (written in character, and she cannot even with abalone), most stuff is visually pleasant, and crafting is satisfying enough to hold my interest. But people spend a lot of time and energy on their homes, when there's very little reason to design them that heavily. I take great pride in my naturalistic Australian-bush arid place, and oh my GOD have some of my in-game buddies gone to town. One has planted flowers to produce a giant logo of what I assume must be their favorite sports team. Another has the largest possible home area crammed with every object available, which has to have cost substantial real-world money -- and they reorganized the entire thing into a different layout last week.

The appeal of the food is the most surprising part. I find myself foraging for blueberries when I'm someplace that has them, because mmm I haven't had blueberries for a while. I am tempted to pick mangosteens and rambutan, even though there's no good reason to do it now that I have far more efficient food. Crafting all the kinds of food possible is fun, and I am very tempted to set up a cost-benefit spreadsheet on them because I know some of them have a much better return than others, but the ones I tend to settle on are optimized for how many energy points I have at the moment vs how many they restore... and also how yummy they sound.* I cannot eat the Caramelized Silver Perch; it is made of electrons and thoughts. But it sounds so good, and I am drawn to it.

There's no reason to make food I would really like to eat, or to grow catnip around my settlement, yet I do those things because they're pleasurable in my mind. I am relentlessly practical in other ways! The house serves no in-game purpose other than looking like a house, so I still haven't upgraded my tent. Herbs, trees, and food, though, I am all over, because they appeal to my sensual imagination. I haven't encountered a game that did quite this before, and it's fascinating.

* Okay, sometimes how adorable they are too. The inarizushi! We have to do this with inarizushi in real life sometime, [personal profile] rushthatspeaks!

This entry was originally posted at http://jinian.dreamwidth.org/642619.html. Respond wherever you like.

11/29/14 10:44 pm - things

Really stellar Kaidonovsky cosplay

Holy cow, best Hogwarts founders fancasting possible

Some hints on rocking androgynous looks with a curvy build

Flawless Christmas-sweater victory

And then there was this...

Dad: So do you do all the cooking for the group of you in your apartment?

Me: What? WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT?

Mom: *snickering quietly in the background*

Dad: ...

Me: We are all grown adults and we cook for ourselves.

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11/18/14 01:54 pm - still alive

Having a return of serious digestive badness since the whole IUD debacle, so I'm feeling very low on energy and brain. Still, I have some things to say!

Changes in anime art styles over the last several decades are something I had noticed but not qualified this way.

It took tumblr like five minutes after the movie announcement to write a Captain Marvel post-credits scene that causes me to squeal in incoherent delight.

Hilarious send-up of Jonathan Franzen from Twitter.

I have some TOUGH DECISIONS to make about further #scishirt options for this week. XKCD was required, so I wore that yesterday. Today is the shirt Wim brought me from Meguro Parasitological Museum. I guess I'm going to have to go with sentimental value -- Plant Disease, FHL evo-devo course, and Monterey Bay Aquarium -- rather than any of my cool conference shirts or ones that just have plants/animals.

Last night when I was trying to eat food, I had truly amazing applesauce from [personal profile] rushthatspeaks. Wonderful stuff.

This entry was originally posted at http://jinian.dreamwidth.org/642131.html. Respond wherever you like.
 

11/10/14 08:33 pm - so that was terrible

I have no idea as yet whether I can recommend the Mirena IUD. However, I can emphatically recommend against having the doctor poke around inside your actual uterus, attempt to place the fucking IUD half a dozen times, try to dilate your cervix more, and finally call the whole thing off in favor of an ultrasound and heavy sedatives at a later date.

So basically I have had all the pain and tiredness of the intended procedure times about four, with no actual benefit. Also, prolonged confusion about wtf we were doing next, and taking the bus the wrong direction when trying to get home.

Coping mechanisms so far include sugar, alcohol, podcasts, heating pad, and leftover tacos.

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